I Was This Close

So my Twitter followers witnessed a Gamma-Style breakdown Friday. I was this close (snapping fingers) to walking out and dealing with the fallout later. If you've been following me on Twitter then it's no secret that I absolutely hate the job I accepted about six months ago. It's an okay company even if they are technologically still in 2000. They pay me well and it's in an industry that I worked in for 17 years until my previous big employer saw fit to save some money by eliminating about 400 of us in 2007 but that's another story. I recognized the bad match the first month when I realized they wanted one person to drive themselves crazy doing a two-person job but I thought I was being paranoid. Now I realize not only am I not paranoid (about the job anyway) but I also admit it's just not a good match.

I'm a marketing research database analyst. Nothing glamorous and in the corporate world usually a low to mid-level job. I'm okay with that never been one to want the bull-shiggity that goes with "moving up the corporate ladder". It's a job that fits my natural curiosity and fascination with all things technical. It fits my work style perfectly as it allows me enough team interaction to understand the problem and to go off in my geekdom and find the answer. And no one can take a bunch of numbers and tell you a story out of it better than I can. I'm a good analyst and I've managed databases that are worth millions of dollars in the corporate world. I take ownership of my data and I'm on point with making sure my stuff is accurate. I thought new gig would give me an opportunity to apply my skills as an Associate Business Manager for a national Sales Director who was responsible for mega-millions of sales per year. I felt if she needed someone to really analyze her business and provide relevant reports on trends and opportunities I was the person.

I was totally off-base with this one. Turns out the job is more customer service with me making sure orders are written correctly from the Buyers, passed on to order entry to be processed, working with DC's to make sure everything is on schedule to ship and that the plant has an accurate forecast to produce product. Oh yeah, in my spare time I'm supposed to be analyzing -- basically it's a glorified customer service rep. There are Excel workbooks (designed by someone who doesn't understand data relationships AT ALL) that are supposed to run the business. The problem is the workbooks offend me as a data geek. When it's easier to print out 50 pages and do your calculations manually and then enter into spreadsheets your stuff is set up wrong -- PERIOD.

I despise it. The thought of going to work physically makes me sick. I even went to my cardiologist at one point because I was afraid the artificial heart valve I received 12 years ago was conking out. I was experiencing heart palpitations like I've never felt before. Good news is nothing was wrong with heart valve -- "just" anxiety and stress. When you have to take a xanax with your morning coffee it's time to go. I've been looking and networking like crazy trying to escape but we all know the job market is pretty tough right now.

This past Friday was my breaking point. I was this close to typing out my resignation letter and giving them a two-week notice. No, I don't have another gig lined up and yes my savings have been depleted plus we all know that if you voluntarily quit a job you usually don't qualify for unemployment benefits. It would have been one of the craziest moves I ever consciously made and I was totally okay with it. I felt free, at peace, and I had faith that everything would be okay. In fact, I felt so good about the notice, that I put some files in order, took my one personal belonging and put it in my tote bag in case they didn't want me to work the notice out. I was ret to go!

For the first time in my life, I was prepared to do something totally against my nature. I was always "the good girl" and good girls just don't leave good paying jobs when they've got bills to pay, especially in a depressed economy. Good girls don't act on instinct too much as we tend to think about the affects of our behavior on everyone around us. I was ready to throw caution to the wind and for once go with the flow. I felt good. I was relaxed and ready to go spend some time with my granddaughter and my doggie - both who have been sorely neglected the past few months.

The more I thought about it the happier I was. Until I got home and got a mailbox full of bills that have to be paid. So instead of writing out the notice I was so ready to write, I spent the weekend working on those damn spreadsheets from hell. I'm still searching for my next gig like crazy. In fact, I have a second interview Thursday for a marketing database analyst position (keeping fingers crossed). I so wish I was one of those women that could just say to hell with it and walk out. I was this close to becoming her Friday.